Zero Hearts
by TallestLavender
Summary: Love Zero Wing? Love Kingdom Hearts? Read what happens when the KH characters put their own spin on the infamous Zero Wing Engrish opening! Rated K plus for mild violence.


Zero Hearts

In A.D. 2006, war was beginning.

As always, it was a sunny day on the golden sandy beaches of the Destiny Islands. Sora and Kairi were talking about all manners of things—in other words, nothing in particular. To put things simply, they were bored beyond all reason. "So then, I hit him with the Keyblade one more time, and BAM! He was gone for good, at last. Man, that guy just wouldn't DIE."

"Wow! That's so cool, Sora!" Kairi grinned. "I wish I had been there to see it all happen."

"Me too, Kairi. It was really difficult, but I finally pulled it off with the help of Donald and Goofy, of course. It would have been great to have your support then!" Sora smiled.

While they were chatting about Sora's final battle against Xehanort's Heartless, a large figure in a dark cloak appeared behind them. He grabbed Kairi from behind, covering her mouth as she was saying how she would have cheered Sora on. "Hey! What do you want, you cloaked freak??"

"She's mine, you fool!" the cloaked entity spat out snidely.

Without letting Sora fight back, the enigma of a person vanished without so much as a trace. "But . . . ! Kairi, I'll find you, and I'll bring you back! I promise, Kairi, I promise," Sora said quietly to himself.

Moments later, the guy in the cloak appeared in what seemed to be a castle. He knocked Kairi out and chained her to the walls of a prison cell. He slammed the door closed and laughed, leaving the room.

Meanwhile, Sora was hopping into the Gummi Ship once again with Donald and Goofy. "Come on! We've got to save Kairi!"

"Again," Donald added.

"Again," Sora agreed.

A while later, Kairi's eyes fluttered open. Just as she did so, Marluxia headed into the room. He leaned down and looked at her carefully. "I don't see what's so darned special about this stupid little punk," he said grumpily. "I mean, she's just a little shrimp! I don't understand how she could be more important than me. Ever since _she_ got here, all I've heard is 'Kairi, Kairi, Kairi," he mumbled.

"You're just jealous that she's prettier than you are," said a voice from behind him.

It was Larxene, an icy-hearted individual with an electrifying personality.

"What are you talking about, you crazy woman?"

Larxene giggled. "Mar Mar's jealous that a wimpy little girl is prettier than he is. Boo-hoo. How sad for Mar Mar," she said, pretending to pout, obviously mocking him.

"Hey! Just because my hair's naturally pink, I have a pink scythe, and I like cherry blossoms, well, that doesn't mean a thing!" he shot back.

"Suuuuuuuure it doesn't," Larxene replied in a sugary tone, feigning innocence. "Mar Mar is jealous of the pretty widdle girl! Mar Mar is jealous! Mar Mar is jealous!" she sang, dancing in a circle around Marluxia.

His face turned red with rage, yelling, "Quit it! Just leave me alone! I'm not jealous of the stupid kid!"

Chaos ensued, but it didn't have much time, for Saïx entered. "What is going on in here?!?!"

Before Marluxia could say anything in his own defense, Larxene said, "Mar Mar is jealous of the girl! She's obviously prettier than him, and he wants to be the prettiest one in the castle. Isn't it clear?"

"Will you two just knock it off?" he sighed. "Everybody here knows that Marluxia is a boy and has no desire to be pretty."

Larxene's head drooped, as she was disappointed that she couldn't torture Marluxia anymore. He was quite relieved that the seemingly endless tormenting had ceased at last. The three of them poofed out of the room to go do something else. Zexion and Lexaeus entered a few moments later. Zexion leaned down to inspect Kairi more closely. "Are you awake?"

"Maybe," she replied, not looking at him.

"I think that means she's awake," stated Lexaeus.

Kairi sat up and looked at them. Zexion looked at her carefully. He coughed to get her attention. "So, how do you feel about darkness? Would you like to have the powers of darkness?"

"Darkness isn't a good thing. Sora told me that. It got me into trouble before, anyway. No, thanks," she answered.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Positive," she nodded.

"I'll be right back," Zexion told her, poofing out of the room.

When he returned, a very distracted looking guy with blondish hair was with him. It was Demyx. He didn't seem to notice Kairi in the least.

"Hey, what's-your-face, what's the deal with the creepy guy?"

"Um, uh, I'll be right back," Zexion said, seeming a bit disheveled, and he left, dragging Demyx along with him.

He returned yet again, this time, with Axel. Axel looked at Kairi. "So, hi. They say that you're not sure if you want to join the Organization or not. That's a real shame. I mean, we get all this cool stuff. I bet that you're sick of sitting on the sidelines, just _watching_ your friends do all the work. Come on, you get neat powers!"

"Like what?" Kairi asked shyly, seeming interested.

"Well, I can set things on fire!" he answered, holding his hand out and creating a ball of flame. "You can have your own unique kind of power if you join us! Also, you get a neat wardrobe. Come on, just check out the cloak! You've got to admit that it's pretty cool!"

"I guess so, but I'm not sure. . ."

Axel sighed, and he and Zexion poofed out. Zexion returned a minute later with Roxas. "Maybe he'll change your mind."

Roxas went up to the bars of her cell and, looking around, obviously confused, said, "Hello? Where are you?"

"Oh, I'm down here!" Kairi replied apologetically, standing up to talk to him.

"Oh, wow, I'm so sorry!" Roxas said, embarrassed that he didn't think to look on the floor for her.

Lexaeus stood a bit behind Roxas, with his tomahawk's end touching Roxas's back. Because the tomahawk was straight back, Kairi couldn't see it. She could see that he was a bit nervous, though, but she wasn't sure why.

"My name is Roxas. What's your name?"

"My name. . . It's Kairi."

"Nice to meet you, Xiriak!" he smiled.

"But I just told you! My name is Kairi."

"That's what I said. Xiriak."

"No, no, no, it's Kairi."

"My name is Sora. When you join the Organization, you get a cool name. My name is Roxas now. Since your name is Kairi, your name could be something like Xiriak."

Lexaeus nudged Roxas gently with the tomahawk, implying that he should get on with it.

Roxas shifted his weight, seeming to be a bit uncomfortable about something, but, again, Kairi had no idea why. "Another thing you get is this neat cloak! It's really soft and has plenty of room to breathe! You get cool gloves and boots and-and-and . . ."

Lexaeus nudged him again, this time a bit harder.

"And . . . it zips up! And . . . uh, you get cool powers. You don't have those, I bet!"

"The guy with the red hair mentioned something about that earlier. What can you do, Roxas?"

He smiled slightly and uncomfortably. Lexaeus prodded him again. Roxas held out his hand, and a Keyblade appeared. He twirled them and did some tricks. Then, he made another one appear! Kairi was amazed. She had never seen someone with two Keyblades at a time before! She wondered if she would ever get a Keyblade of her own.

Lexaeus nudged him again slightly harder. Roxas crossed his arms, and the Keyblades went away. He held out his hand to her. "So, uh, what do you say? Will you join the Organization?" he asked meekly, as if he didn't want to.

"Um, well, Sora says that darkness is bad. All it brought me was trouble before. How can I trust something that seems so terrible?"

Zexion decided that things were going sour, so he chose to take over. He began sending things into Roxas's mind for him to say. "Sora was lying about darkness. A friend of his went to the darkness, and he's just jealous that his friend is stronger than him. He wants to be the most powerful person and it makes him upset that he's not strong enough to wield darkness. Besides, don't you want to prove your worth to Sora?"

Kairi looked at Roxas, and, even though he seemed less than comfortable, he appeared trustworthy. "Well, I still don't know. Just let me think about it, okay?"

"All right. That sounds good,"

Lexaeus poked him even harder, and Roxas thought to Zexion, _"Thinking about it is better than saying no."_

Zexion sighed and looked down. "It seems to be lunchtime. Come on Roxas, Lexaeus. Let's go eat. It's Sandwich Day, and I don't intend on missing out on it."

They poofed away to the cafeteria to dine on their sandwiches. "Now what do I do?" Kairi asked no one, rattling her chains.

As Sora, Donald, and Goofy were flying along in their Gummi Ship toward the World that Never Was, they saw another ship. It was being piloted by Riku, who was wearing a blindfold. He waved at Sora, and Sora was completely baffled. He moved the Gummi Ship over to Riku's ship, and it moved it inside. Sora, Donald, and Goofy got out. It turned out that King Mickey was on the ship, also! "How are you . . . ?" Sora asked Riku, not sure how to word it.

"Driving? With a blindfold on? You see, the darkness has tricked my eyes before, so I decided to cover them up. I'm working on enhancing my other senses," Riku answered.

"Don't worry, Sora," said Mickey. "Riku knows what he's doing. I've been giving him piloting lessons. He could pilot this path in his sleep. That's not what's important, though. We were in the World that Never Was, and we heard the Organization say something about how they had captured someone. Do you know anything about that?"

"We sure do! They kidnapped Kairi! I'll bet that's where they took her! We've got to go and save her!"

"Just like old times, huh, Donald?" Goofy asked.

"It sure is, Goofy!" Donald replied.

"Well, if Kairi needs our help, then we should go back and help her, right, Riku?" Mickey inquired of him.

"That's right. I'm driving. Get over it, Sora."

And that was that. They were heading over to the World that Never Was to save Kairi. Again.

After a little while, Roxas snuck back in. "Hey, Kairi, I brought you some lunch!"

"Really? Thanks, Roxas! That's really nice of you to do for me."

He reached in as far as he could and put down a thermos. "It's leek and noodle soup. We have chicken and noodle, but they said that you weren't worth giving meat to."

Kairi walked as far as the chains would allow, bent down, and reached for the thermos. It was barely close enough for her to reach. Roxas also tossed her some bread. "I snuck this out for you. It's a buffet, so I don't think they'll notice if it's missing."

"Thank you," she nodded, gulping down her soup and chomping down her roll.

"They wouldn't let me bring you any water, but there's a water fountain nearby, and I could put it in the thermos, if you'd like."

"I'd like that a lot, thanks," Kairi smiled, tossing the thermos back to him.

He caught it and left the room. He came back about a minute later, thermos in hand. "It may taste a bit soupy, because they might get suspicious if I washed it out."

"That's okay, Roxas," she said, drinking up the water.

She threw it back to him, and he, of course, caught it. He leaned close to the cell and whispered to her insistently, "Whatever you do, _don't join_."

He quickly ran off without another word. "Don't join? Wasn't he telling me how great it was earlier?" Kairi asked aloud, utterly confused now.

A while later, Kairi heard some noises. Xigbar, Vexen, and Xaldin were dragging Larxene into the room. "I won't do it! You can't make me! You've gotten me to do some crazy stuff, but I draw the line here!" she shouted angrily, struggling in vain against the three of them.

Xaldin made his lances hover in a circle around her. "You _will_ do it. Now, go over there!" he commanded, getting rid of his other lances and pointing one at her back.

"All right, all right. Just leave me alone already!" she said grumpily, heading over to Kairi. In a strained voice, with her eye twitching, and still furious at the three of them, she began, "I think it's time . . . that we had a little . . . girl . . . talk."

Xaldin was apparently poking her back with a lance. They wanted Larxene's spiel to sound natural, not forced. So far, it wasn't very convincing. Her strained voice was most definitely not natural. Throughout the time that she was talking, he continuously poked her. "You know . . . I'm the only girl . . . in the Organization. We girls . . . have to stick together," Larxene said, the lance hurting her quite a bit and causing her voice to sound even more strangled.

"If you join . . . we could . . . _haaang_ out together," she said through clenched teeth, forcing the words out.

He jabbed her in the back again, harder this time, because she _still_ wouldn't act natural for Kairi. "WILL YOU QUIT STABBING ME????!!!!!" she screamed, making four kunai appear and throwing them at Xaldin.

One landed square in the middle of his forehead. The next landed near the end of his nose. The third lodged into his chin. The final one was right into where his heart would have been, had he not been a Nobody. His response to this was to throw his lances at her, and they now were piercing her back and head. Of course, none of this was actually lethal. They didn't have the intent to kill, so it didn't. Pandemonium arose, and they began throwing more weapons, using powers, etc. The door flew open, not hitting the wall, so no one noticed. Xemnas came down from the ceiling and landed. He was enraged. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF KINGDOM HEARTS IS GOING ON?!?!?!"

They all froze exactly how they were. Xemnas swung his arms, crossing them, and made his lightsaber-looking things appear. "Fighting among Organization members is NOT appropriate. If you have a problem with that, you can talk to me," he said furiously.

He uncrossed his arms, making the lightsabers disappear and left, with Larxene, Xigbar, Vexen, and Xaldin following him. Luxord wandered into the room a few minutes later. Kairi wondered what he was going to do. He sat down on the ground and pulled out a deck of cards. He shuffled them and dealt out some. Kairi's cards landed directly in front of her in a neat pile. She sat down, not touching the cards, and asked, "What are we playing?"

"Nobody Hold 'Em," Luxord replied, now looking at his cards intently.

"We're not . . . you know, playing for anything, are we?"

"No," he answered simply.

Kairi cautiously picked up her cards and fanned them out. Within about ten minutes, he had creamed her. "Wow, you're good! How long have you been playing?"

Luxord, now shuffling the cards back, looked up at her and said, "All my life."

"Oh, I see."

He put the cards away, and pulled out two dice. He threw one to Kairi, and it landed precisely in front of her. He began to toss one in the air. He threw it, and it landed perfectly on a six. Kairi assumed that she was supposed to toss hers, too. She threw it, and it landed on a one. She sighed. Luxord looked at her and said, "You would've won that one." He then left the room, leaving Kairi to wonder what he could have been talking about.

In the control room, Zexion, the Captain of the control room for the week, was looking at something. He looked shocked. "What happened?" asked Axel.

Outside of the castle, on a balcony, DiZ was standing there. "Somebody set me up with a bomb. I intend on using it."

Back in the control room . . .

"We've got a signal! It looks like a ship of some kind is headed our way!"

Larxene, surprised, said, "What?! Let me see!"

"Main screen, turn on!" said Zexion.

The main screen turned on and showed the radar. A blip on there indicated that there was, indeed, a ship coming towards their castle.

When the ship, landed, they saw DiZ. They stopped in their tracks, wondering why he was here. Sora asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going to blow up the castle!" he said gleefully, pulling out a bomb. He began to set it.

"But Kairi's in there! You can't do that!" Sora said, horrified.

"Oh, yes, I can! It will be worth it to destroy that meddlesome Organization."

"I'm going in there to save Kairi!" he said, running into the castle.

DiZ sauntered in after him, holding the bomb. He planted it somewhere.

Sora ran inside and somehow found Kairi's prison cell without being caught. "It's you, Sora!"

"How are you, Kairi? Don't worry! I'm going to get you out of here!

Back outside. . .

"All their Nobodies belong to me!" said DiZ, who seemed rather pleased with himself about it.

Mickey, Riku, Goofy, and Donald just looked at him, thinking how crazy he was and hoping that Sora and Kairi would be all right.

Sora told Kairi, "You are on the way to destruction! DiZ put a bomb in the castle!"

"What did you say?!" she asked, terrified.

"You have no chance to survive! Make the most of your time!" he said, holding out his hand. The Keyblade appeared, and he used it to unlock Kairi's cell and her chains. "Come on, let's go!"

"Right!" she nodded, and they both ran off, trying to get out in time.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha …. There's no way that lousy Organization will be able to weasel their way out of this one!" said DiZ.

Xaldin discovered the bomb. He ran to the control room and yelled, "Captain!! There appears to be a bomb! It will blow up in just a few minutes!"

Zexion said, "Take off, Xig!"

Xigbar looked up at him and asked, "What?"

"Take off the headphones, Xigbar!" he shouted, hoping that Xigbar would hear him. "You know what you're doing, Xaldin. Go warn everyone about the bomb. Get as many people out as possible."

"Roger that," Xaldin replied, running out of the room to warn as many members as he could about said bomb.

"Move, Xig! We've got to go! There's a bomb in here!"

DiZ looked at Goofy, Donald, Mickey, and Riku. "We must move quickly, for we do not wish to be caught in the explosion. I'm expecting it to be rather large."

"We can't leave without Sora and Kairi!" said Riku insistently.

"No problem! We're right here! Let's make like a banana and split!" Sora said, running over to his friends.

"Do me a favor, Sora. Never say that again," Riku told his friend.

The group of them ran to Mickey and Riku's ship, hopped inside, and flew off, hoping to be away from the explosion in time. DiZ was already in his ship by this point, and he flew away from the castle. With the explosion behind him, he said to himself, "For great justice."

Xaldin and the rest of the Organization ran towards the door. Axel grabbed the doorknob violently and tried to make the door open, but it wouldn't budge. "Oh, no! The door must be locked from the outside!"

The entire group exchanged looks, and the explosion occurred. A minute or so later, the smoke cleared at last. They were still standing there, but they were charred messes, with smoke sizzling from them. Demyx had to pat some fire out of his hair. They just kind of looked around at each other, not saying anything, and noted that they were very messy-looking. The surroundings were bleak and destroyed. Only the door and the Organization were left standing. Vexen looked at Xemnas and said, "Next time, we need to build the castle bombproof."

((The story you just read was cooperatively invented by my sister MewtwoWarrior and myself. I typed it myself, giving it my own flair and comedy (even though it was already funny). This story has no specific time frame in the Kingdom Hearts series and is not affected whatsoever by such a simple thing as deaths of the Organization members. I hope you enjoyed our little story, especially since it took me forever to type. I truly hope that you liked reading it as much as I liked helping to come up with it. The original intentions were not to include dialogue from Zero Wing, but it fit so perfectly with DiZ blowing up the castle that we couldn't help ourselves. XP))


End file.
